


Yours, always

by KaitoKuroiRico



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Angst and Fluff, M/M, Purgatory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-11
Updated: 2014-02-11
Packaged: 2017-11-17 23:20:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/554315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaitoKuroiRico/pseuds/KaitoKuroiRico
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU after season 7 where Balthazar saves Cas and... one hairless ape from the Purgatory. And it's written more like series of droubles than whole fic. Also this idea came into my mind when I was reading "Divine Comedy"... classic is really helpfull sometimes for imagination^^ ps but I really stuck with Balthazar real identity so...if you have any ideas for my imagination... please=)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> And my Purgatory is a little bit scarier than they show us... enjoy=)

It’s dark and cold. I would also say scary if only I could really feel that emotion. Because no matter that I’m broken and lost, I’m still an angel. Fallen angel in the center of Purgatory with only beasts (souls that lost all human or angelic, showing no mercy) around, with no hope on escape. All alone… except Dean… It was my entire fault that he’s appeared here. If only I was a little wiser, not so prideful and fool, maybe, I wouldn’t let it happens, won’t let Leviathans out at all. But it’s useless to think about what could and couldn’t happen “if”… Soldier of Heaven. Look at me now… Little coward, that is hiding, three or four miles away from his...from a human. Dean is probably screaming my name and swearing, but I just can’t… I need some time, space…anything before I could return to him and for eternity now on hear only different variations of “It was your fault, it’s all because of…”

\- Look out!

Suddenly I feel strong push and fall to the ground, watching like black shadow closes its jaws ten or so centimeters away from my face. Before this lost soul could attack me again, my unexpected savior’s arms press me to his chest. One moment – and we are far away. After that he begins to move away, freeing me from his grip. And it’s time for me to say something, to thank… 

\- I appreciate your help.

Light chuckle in return. 

\- Heh, I see you haven’t changed much without me, have you?

This voice makes me stiffen with astonishment. Because it’s…

-… Balthazar?

I raise my head to witness his cocky smile.

\- Hello, Cas. Good to see you again.


	2. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry guys that I was kind of slow with uploading this fanfic. I just lost my inspiration somewhere near the end. But some month ago I finished it in Russian at least. And it's half written in English, half in Russian. Well yeah I'm a weirdo xD And I promise I try to upload it here as soon as possible =)

\- So, as I said before, good to see you and all, but what are you doing here, in Purgatory? – He asks me with the same warm smile as always.

\- It was an accident. Dean and I…

\- Nothing is an accident when it comes to Winchesters. By the way, you know I’m always all for having a sweet little chat with you, Cas, but I think we really should move on before some other creature’ll come here and find us. 

\- And what about Dean? We need to take him with us.

\- Oh, for Father’s sake, this hairless ape!

Balthazar seems so angry but after some time he sighs in defeat.

\- Fine, we’ll take your precious Dean with us.

I don’t really understand what made him change his mind. But I’m glad he agreed with me. Because it’s…right.

\- Thank you.

\- You just can’t be without him, yeah? 

His voice is full of sad notes and…despair. And I’m not really sure why my brother feels exactly these emotions speaking about Dean. Sometimes…I just can’t fully understand my brother. There is always something that I’m trying to catch but always miss when it comes to Balthazar and his big, enormous problem with Dean.

Instead of answer I just shrug my shoulders. Of course I can’t be without Dean. It’s not even a question. It’s long forgotten now but I was his guarding angel once and his appearance here, all those problems with Leviathans… It’s entirely my fault.

\- Dean’s in the middle of the forest, near the East Gates.

\- Heh, you’ve chosen the worst place to make a camp.

I sigh. All this talks, they just raise my guilt few levels up. I brought Dean here and then left him alone in one of the most dangerous place in the whole world.

\- It wasn’t my wish. It was all Leviathans.

\- Sure.

***

\- What a pity, you’re still alive.

We appear right near Dean, who’s sitting there all alone in a shadow of a tree.

\- Balthazar! 

\- Yeah, yeah, I wouldn’t say I’m glad to see you. It was Cassie’s idea to return and grab you with us, obviously not mine.

Dean stands from the ground and comes closer to us.  
\- So, let me get this straight, Cas. You left me here all alone to just …hang up with your feather buddies? 

\- Oh, bloody hell, he doesn’t need to account to you, - Balthazar almost screams.

\- He put Leviathans out!

\- And it was you who showed him “free will” and made this happened. I mean…you were the reason he did a lot of things. Almost all the time he did something for or because of you.

\- Oh, like you were such a picture of freaking ideal angel and example to him. You stole the weapon…

\- Like you’ve never stolen anything in your life. And I gave it back, all of it, didn’t I?

\- You were just scared about your own skin. You were with Cas only when he rocked the dancefloor.

\- You, hairless ape, I love him but he only see you.

\- And if you love him so much, why you faked your own death?

\- For Father’s sake, you…Winchester, it’s really none of business. It was nice to see you, Cas, but I can’t contain myself any longer. Your…pet ape really drives me mad.

And with these words he simply disappears.

\- Balthazar! You, son of a bitch!

I sigh and turn my head from the spot Balthazar stood just moment ago to the hunter.

\- Dean, I don’t really think that it was wise to quarrel with him. At least he’s been here longer than we.

\- And how can you believe him, Cas? You said before that there are only beast here, you know, creatures that lost all human or angelic… Why are you so sure he’s on our side? 

\- Because he always was.

It wasn’t even a question for me. Now I see clearly than even his betrayal… He was trying to save me, he even believed in Winchesters, that they could help… It’s kind of ironic that he teamed with persons…person he probably hates the most of all, at least among human.


	3. Chapter 2

\- Here, for this bastard and you, Cassie.

Appearance of Balthazar is as unexpected as what he’s holding in his hands. Fruits and some sweet baking.

\- Jesus, man, is it a pie? But with all this Dick’s corn syrup campaign now…

\- To be honest I wouldn’t be so sad if you would turn into some of that zombies, but …it’s clear, only organic and healthy.

\- If you’d also bring a bottle of whiskey I’d almost begin to trust you.

\- You’re disgusting and irritating, Winchester, and not funny at all like you think. Cas, would you like something to eat?

\- You know I don’t need food. I’m flattered and appreciate it, but no, thank you.

\- You need to eat, - he said, rising red apple to my lips. - If you really want to get out of here.

\- Out…how? Is it even possible, brother? – I ask and take a bite.

\- You know, it’s kind of funny to watch like one angel feed another with forbidden fruit, - Dean smirks, with his mouth full of pie. Half of dessert is already behind.

\- Oh, shut it up, Winchester!

I swallow and blush a little.

\- It’s not like this, Dean. I think I don’t want anything to eat anymore, Balthazar.

\- Oh, just fine, you’ve killed all the mood, stupid ape. Happy now?

\- Ecstatic, - Dean moans, through another half of his pie.

Small flick of Balthazar’s fingers – and Dean’s pie is gone.

\- Hey! 

\- Try to be nice next time, - brother says with a wicked smile on his lips.

\- Freaking angels!

***

\- Now we need to turn left, - we’ve been walking for an hour or so after our… dinner. Balthazar appeared once again and fed me some more fruits. Not that I was really hungry or cannot eat myself, but it made Balthazar (don’t know why) happy, so…I wasn’t protesting much. I just thought why not? Also fruits were kind of tasty. We ate for 10 or 15 minutes while Dean made those unnecessary like throwing up noises. 

And now we are sneaking here. For me and Balthazar it’s not such a big problem, but for Dean…sometimes it’s a little hard.

\- Freaking darkness. Freaking bushes…what they are made of, steel? – Dean says, examining another scratch that looks through the hole in his jeans. – I’m looking like some punk teenager now! 

\- Stop whining, Winchester. And turn your voice down. The last thing we need now is a company of funny little local monsters. And I offered you to hold my hand, so you wouldn’t lose our path, cause Cas… you know him, he’d be sad if something eats you. 

\- And walk like you two, like some high school girls? By the way why you even hold his hand? It’s not like he can cut himself or slip.

\- It makes me feel safer. Also if something attacks I could protect Cas faster.

\- And what make you think that it would be Cas who’ll need help?

\- Let’s say your death would be much less painful for me.

\- You sonovabitch!

\- Dean. Balthazar. It’s not a place for fighting.  
Dean sighs and takes a little bit offensive my hand in his.

\- You know that in the end I’d win? I won’t let you take the prize. You don’t deserve it. – Balthazar asks hunter.

\- What prize? – I put in.

Dean was about to say something but after my question he just shrugs and murmurs “Freaking angels” under his breath. Lately it seems to be his favorite swearing. 

***

\- Cas, from the right! – Balthazar pushes me to the ground and stands in front of me. – Close your eyes, Winchester. Now!

I lay slightly stunned and look with astonishment like my brother raises his hand toward the creature. Balthazar ‘s vessel gets brighter and brighter and then sudden flash. Light go wide from his body. This monster has no chance against such strength. Moment later it’s over.

\- Come on, we have three or four minutes before others’d come here. It’s a good weapon, but also amazing radar.

Dean opens his eyes and rises from the ground. It seems like he also fell to it, maybe from the brightness of this stunning light. I…I haven’t noticed it… his previous guardian angel… I also get up and stand near Balthazar.

\- But how did you? I thought you were dead. If you are just a soul, how could you….

\- Oh, none of your business, Winchester.

\- Balthazar!

\- Yeah, it’s my name, now we need to…

\- I asked you a question!

\- You did. Twice.

\- You son of a bitch!

\- Dean, - I try to show some sense, - I’m afraid it’s really not a place for…

\- Why do you think so… Jesus Christ!

Dark shadows, hundreds, thousands… and they all moves our side from the left.

\- You hairless ape! Run.

\- It’s not my fault there are….

\- I said: “Run”! Now! I’ll try to keep them. We’ll meet at the chapel, – he quickly glances last time at me. - Be careful, Cas.

Dean’s about to something like always, but I just grab his hand and teleport us, catching from the corner of my eye the sight of my brother’s back that begins to brighten.

***  
\- Why you even need such a place like chapel in Purgatory? These monsters don’t seem for me like someone who wants to pray on Sundays. And where the hell is Balthazar? Almost eternity’s gone by since we left him there.

I sigh. I mostly always keep all the feelings deep inside me, but now I ask quietly:

\- Do you think he…

\- Oh, sorry I didn’t mean it like this, Cas. He’s probably somewhere…drinking champagne from some stripper’s navel or what he usually does. 

\- Dear gentlemen and… apes, I brought you a dinner.

\- Haha, you’re not funny, Balthazar.

\- Yeah, yeah…my mistake. It’s your job to act like you’re funny, when you aren’t.

\- You son of a…

\- A-ah, - Balthazar shakes his finger at Dean. – Behave yourself or you won’t get your dessert.

\- Pie? – Dean’s eyes immediately begin to sparkle. – I love you, man!

\- That proverb is really about you. Way to your heart is really through your stomach, - Balthazar says tossing to Dean his dessert. – You should really try this, Cas, next time you… Although, know what? Forget all I’ve just said. By the way, I brought you a burger, Cassie. Yours in the bag, Winchester, if you would still be in the mood to eat it after your precious pie. 

\- Pies are awesome, - Dean says with full mouth.

\- Yeah, whatever. Mm… Cas?

\- Yes, brother?

\- May I feed you?

I open my mouth when Balthazar brings a burger closer.

Dean groans from his pie:

\- Seriously, guys, get a room. I almost lost my appetite.

\- So you wouldn’t eat the last spices of that pie?

\- I said “ALMOST”. My precious...

\- And who needs to get a room?

***

After dinner we sit near the altar in that chapel. Balthazar with Dean as always immediately starts quarreling. My brother tries to persuade Dean to sleep, implying that humans need rest, but the hunter objects even if he’s yawning nonstop.

\- You know that Cas is now obsessed with bees? He’s even showed on my car NAKED, covered in bees.

\- Not such a bad show, hah? Did you like it?

Hunter just groans.

\- Dean? If I made you uncomfortable I’m sorry.

\- Don’t worry about him, Cas. He’s a big boy and will get over it. So… covered in bees? Mm… you know, my vessel was a photographer …Maybe you could show me your…bees sometime. We could make a photosession.

\- Gross! – Dean moans again and covers ears with his hands.

\- Goodnight, Winchester. Sweet nightmares, sorry…dreams. So, Cas, do you want to tell me about your bees?

Dean groans for a third time.


	4. Chapter 3

Dean wakes up exactly when I and Balthazar begin to discuss our future strategy. My brother lies near the column, hugging me from behind. 

\- East gates? – I ask softly.

\- Closed. Believe me, I tried.

\- South one?

\- Too dangerous. Too close to Hell. Besides you know, they are Gates from which new creatures come here. So…there are often some monsters there rambling in a search of an easy meal.

\- What about West Gates?

\- No chance. Gates are broken. And nowadays they are more like a nest for some creatures, such as ketavals and crispals. Also two or three leviathans wander somewhere nearby.

\- Who the Hell are that kentavals and crips guys? – Dean interrupts us, raising his voice.

\- Ketavals and crispals. They appeared from leviathans blood, Hell’s fire and souls of the sinners.

\- Nice, leviathans kids. Just awesome.

\- They are not their children, Dean.

\- So, what the plan of our future actions? – Winchester asks standing and grabbing his jacket from the floor.

I also stand up from the ground, Balthazar after me.

\- North Gates. We already made one third of our way. Two third more difficult left: river and then mountains.

\- And where’s the catch in it?

\- The catch? – Balthazar reasks.

\- Yeah. You were here for like a year now if not more. And you couldn’t get out. And now everything would change, three-four days and we’re all free again? Once again, where’s a catch?

\- It’s all complicated. At least because the time here and on Earth has different length. Day here is like two weeks there. A lit bit another dynamic than in Hell. Come on, it’s time to end our sweet little talk and move on, or your dear Sam would end in depression because of his elder brother again and make some stupid things.

\- And why couldn’t you just zap us to that Gates?

\- I’m sorry?

\- You know, do your mojo and teleport us there?

\- Yeah, I’ve got your great idea that time. I just can’t understand are you really stupid or…bloody hell, what am I saying? Of course you are stupid.

\- Balthazar!

\- We can’t just “zap” anywhere. It’s too risky. At first we at least need to see the place we want to go or learn a map of that place. And my knowledge of this place is way too incurrent. 

\- But then how Cas knows about all this Gates, when he’s never been here before. 

\- We are not bunch of fools like you, humans, Winchester. Plus long time ago Father told us some things about this place.

\- Ok, but how did Cas zap me in this chapel here? If you angels don’t know a map of this place?

\- Once Father took us here.

I was about to obey. It wasn’t the truth.

\- But…

\- Father, Cas. Father!

\- Freaking angels and their secrets, - Dean murmurs.

***

It’s another halt. Only darkness around as always. Maybe half or whole day’s gone by. I think I lost counting. Dean mutters as always.

\- Freaking angels! And now we’re in some Stonehenge.

\- I would say that this stones make star, you know, this weird 8-ends star, but…as you wish.

\- Dean, at least it safer than to stop for a night among the forest. And this place is almost near the bridge.

\- Oh, come on, Winchester. We have a place to sleep, I gave you your precious pie. I even can give you a porno magazine if you like.

Dean grabs the magazine, but then throws it out.

\- Yaiks.

\- Sorry, only gay one left.

Balthazar laughs, looking at Dean’s flushed face.

Remaining time was quite nice and peaceful. When Dean after some time finally falls asleep, I touches Balthazar’s shoulder, who’s sitting left to me on the ground near that stones.

\- Why’d you lied to Dean about that chapel? It wasn’t our Father’s ordinary visit. He came to take us from there, true, but it was two of us who first found that place.

\- Cas, - he squeezes my palm, that lays on his shoulder. – Let me have some memories of you that Winchester doesn’t know about.

\- But you have a plenty of them. About our battles…

He just chuckles.

\- Ah, that’s why I like you so much. Darling, it’s so not the same things.

\- You still wear that necklace?

\- Of course. And always will.

***

We are crossing the bridge, when Dean suddenly asks.

\- By the way, I’ve always kind of wondered, what a necklace you wear. Something special? Like mine was? I don’t really got it, but Cas used my coulomb to find God. So, yours trinket also has some special powers?

Balthazar laughs:

\- Nah, no powers, but it’s very special.

I smile while Balthazar continues.

\- Chain is simple, pendant in a shape of heart. 

\- Like those two part things that make together a whole heart and are so popular among teenage girls? BFF or lovers forever?

\- No! – I resent offended and flush, because of Dean’s comment. – It wasn’t like that!

\- Oh, so…I guess you have much more history behind that we thought. Maybe Sam should ask then not “he was a friend or something ” but “he was your boyfriend or something”?

\- Dean!

\- Oh, Cassie, don’t be shy. He’s just jealous of our LOVE.

\- You two are disgusting! It was a gift from all heart, of pure love!

\- Love… Finally, you admitted that you love me.

\- Balthazar, don’t drive me out of my wits. You saw me in a rage.

\- Sorry…love. I just couldn’t resist. By the way, I really liked your girt, Cas. I haven’t really thank you for it before.

My brother makes a step in my way, bends down a lit and brushes his lips against my cheek.

\- Thanks.

Dean once again begins to imitate unnecessary like throwing up noises, adding some funny movements to it.


	5. Chapter 4

\- Still would be much better if you would just zap us there.

\- Yeah, somewhere near a muzzle of a wonderful cute black fluffy monster.

\- But, man, rocks and mountains! Why they had to make an exit here?

\- Exactly because it’s so hard to get to.

\- But what about leviathans? They are way too strong. Why they couldn’t just overcome some stones? 

\- How do you think they exist? They need souls or bodies. To be exactly a lot lot of souls. Here, in mountains they hardly would find one.

\- So what? They could just eat hundreds and then go…

\- Dean, - I interrupt them. – It takes time to digest soul before you can eat another. One more reason why they like to live in a forest.

Sudden flash of light provokes heated reaction from Dean.

\- Fuck! I think I got blind!

\- The light is from those two lighthouses. The light burns, when someone gets here, - I say calm.

\- And you couldn’t tell me about this earlier? My eyes! Freaking angels!

\- Stop, - the hunter says after some time. – But… Here and there… this cave’s entries… You tell me leviathans couldn’t like hide there or something?

\- Of course not. Want to go first and test?

\- Balthazar, stop. They are empty, Dean.

\- Then who made them? 

\- Long time ago there were guards here. They stood guard at the Gates and no one could pass without their permission. But after those angelic wars and simply time… Those guards just went away and left everything in chaos. Before, this place reminded more of a park than scenes from horror movies. No soul eats another.

\- Then how Leviathans survived? 

\- Exactly. That’s what kept them here almost undangerous and weak. An order.

\- And by the way these lighthouses are not temperature or action locators. They feel any living being or essence on a distance of some miles. So that’s where we would have a sleep tonight. – Balthazar says. – Either way you couldn’t just fall asleep under such a bright light.

***

\- Dean, - it was their first night in this caves.

\- What’d you want Balthazar? – Dean yawns and opens his eyes.

\- I need to tell you something important. It’s about Cas.

\- Cas? Is he ok?

\- Yeah, he’s there sleeping.

Dean looks at an angel with black hair, covered under his trenchcoat.

\- Sleeping? I thought you, feathery asses, don’t need it.

\- Yeah, maybe it’s my fault.

\- Your…

\- Watch it, Winchester. Don’t you dare say one of your dirty jokes.

\- O-kay, we’re sensitive today. I see. PMS or something…?

\- Oh, for the Father’s sake, try to have a civilized conversation with you is even harder than with a three years old. It’s important!

\- Okay, okay, I’m listening.

\- Just look at him. He looks so peaceful. For the first time in a long time I see him like this. Battle after battle… At first between angels, than between angels and humans, now…

Balthazar falls silent for a long time and Dean wants to call him, ask to continue, but before he has a time, angel continues himself.

\- Long time ago when we were kids with Cassy, when Father always cared about us, we made promise to each other. This necklace is much more than just jewelry. It’s reminding…

\- So, now you’re some ghost and that’s what keeps you here?

Balthazar begins to laugh:

\- No, of course not. We don’t live in some soppy melodramatic movie, like Titanic.

\- Then… Hold on. All this food, strength and… you…you… It’s impossible. You’re not…

After all it seems like Dean Winchester wasn’t so dump as some thought.

\- You’ve been a hunter for all your life, Winchester, and you still think that there are impossible things? Everything is possible.

-Yeah, but just … WOW. And you can’t get out of here. Does Cas know? Not that I pity you, but, dude, it sucks.

Balthazar only sadly smiles looking at sleeping angel some steps from them.

***

Dean was quite half of our next day. Another strange thing was that I fell asleep. Last thing I remember was Balthazar stroking my back. He said it happened because I was stressed and exhausted after all this leviathan thing and I just really needed to take it out of my system somehow.

\- Cas, can I speak with you?

It’s unusual. Not at all Dean’s ordinary behavior.

\- Sure, what do you want to discuss?

\- Balthazar, could you excuse us? Just for a few minutes?

\- Dean… don’t…

I wasn’t even so much surprised at my brother’s almost begging, as at Balthazar’s using Dean’s first name instead of surname or others rather rude expressions.

\- You know, you would never do this yourself.

Balthazar just sighs and steps away from us at 5-10 meters or so. No more, too afraid that something would attack us and we would need his help.

\- Cas, you know our relationships weren’t so good lately. But there is one thing. I don’t know how to tell you this. I’m just…

\- You want to confess your feelings for me, Dean?

\- Jesus, no! Of course, no! The thing I’m trying to say... It’s about Balthazar.

\- You’re in love with Balthazar?

\- No, God no. Never. Brrr… - Light chuckle is heard from my brother’s side. - The thing is he … It’s strange isn’t it? Where he gets all this food for us? I haven’t seen any shops here.

\- We are angels, Dean.

\- I know, I know. But you’ve killed him, right?

\- I don’t understand, what you’re trying to say.

\- Your powers. He can summon all this light. And what about you, Cas? He’s so strong…

\- I just haven’t really tried, Dean. It was always…

-…Balthazar, right? Why he’s not so afraid of this creatures, Cas? And if you are both angels, why he’s so protective of you?

\- Dean, he’s always kind of…

\- No! What if it’s not just big brother complex or something?

\- We could just ask him, you know.

\- No, Cas, - Dean lays his hand on my shoulder, pat my back. – It’s probably our last day here, right? Ask him. Alone.

I don’t really understand this entire suspicious atmosphere. When Dean goes back to Balthazar… It’s pretty obvious that they keep some secret from me. It’s not so hard to see from their looks and Balthazar’s a lit bit nervous behavior, when my brother asks hunter.

\- You told him?

\- Kind of. Just made some hints.

Angels have ideal hearing. Dean just doesn’t know it. This short distances mean nothing for us. But still it made me feel kind of not betrayed but… abandoned. why it was so necessary to build some games, why couldn’t they just simply tell me? From the start?

Balthazar cames to me and smiles a little.

\- Cas, you okay?

\- Yes…

He hugs me with one hand around my shoulders and whispers:

\- Sorry. It was probably a bad idea? I should know. No good ideas born in a head of Winchester.

\- Hey! - Dean now sometimes becomes offensive even from simply hearing his name from Balthazar.

\- We should better get going again, - I say and shrug shoulders to get rid from brother’s hand.

Then we continue our journey farther. Climbing, falling and climbing again on these rocks.


	6. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know it ends pretty despessive. But just wait for last chapter, one fluffy epilogue left =)

Our last halt.

\- So what was that all about? – I ask when Dean begins to snort a little. – All that Dean’s stuttering about you, your power and other nonsense?

\- Heh, - Balthazar sighs and begins to rub his neck. – You know in moments like this I so regret I can’t continue to play my role of debached, always drunk , doesn’t thinking about anything in this bloody world angel.

\- So what about that food you always brought and your strength? Dean was pretty eager for me to ask you these questions.

\- I just can do it, appear food, you know…

\- I thought only archangels can do this. So you’re an archangel now?

\- Well, the truth is, Cas, it’s kind of side effects of my new life.

\- As what?

\- … after our last meeting… I got here and got a new job. Now I’m a Guard. It seems like they think about reorganization of this place.

\- I see. So now you’re a Guard of Purgatory. To be honest, according to what I saw, maybe you’re not the most suitable angel for this post.

\- Oh, well… maybe, there are some more important things for me now.

We keep quiet for a few minutes before I finally ask:

\- What about our other brothers and sisters? Did you save them too?

\- Well, I tried. But, maybe, not as much as to you.

\- Why? What’s so special about me and Dean that you try to help us so hard?

\- Seriously, Cassy you can be such a dummy sometimes. Obviously, I’m not doing it for Winchester. I’m doing it for you. Everything’s always been for you.

***

We are almost at the top, several rocks left, when I stop and reach for Balthazar’s hand at last.

\- Can we stop for a while? 

– You sure? We’ll be there soon. Maybe 15-20 minutes, and then…

\- Yes, I’m sure Balthazar. It’s about…

\- Oh, just shut up already you, two morons, and talk finally,– grumps Dean.

Winchester theatrically went from us on the distance near 5-10 meters.

– Have your little fancy chat or whatever.

Balthazar smirks. And I… I look unsure at the ground.

\- So…that’s it? You’re going to leave me again?

\- Cas…

\- Just tell me the truth, Balthazar.

\- Heh… I don’t know.

\- But it’s not fair. I thought that we would get out together. After all you’ve done for me and for Dean.

Balthazar lets out a soft annoying sigh at my mentioning of older Winchester brother’s name.

\- Cassy. I don’t really have a choice. To be honest I’m not even sure what’ll happened if I try. It’s not like I spend my free time trying to leave Purgatory, not really my usual place to spend weekends .

I keep quiet, and then tell him something that was bothering me for a long time:

\- I’ve never apologized to you.

\- Cas, don’t worry about that I…

\- No, Balthazar, it’s important. I killed you. I came from the back and stubbed you with an angel blade. You’re my brother…my friend. You’re here because of me. If what, I should be the one to be here. I should be the one to stay. You didn’t deserve it.

\- It’s not a punishment, you know. Me, staying here. Maybe it’s a lit’ bit boring, but otherwise…

\- I could stay with you! – The words escape quite impulsive my lips.

\- Don’t be silly, little brother. Your staying here won’t ever make me happy.

I think disappointment really easy reads on my face, because Balthazar begins to laugh. The sound of his laughter always makes me feel good, this sound, as people say, is like “balm to the soul”.

\- I would be too worried for you. If anything happened to you, I would never forgive myself. You’re my baby brother, Cas. Actually you’re much more for me than just a relative. You’re my everything. And it won’t ever change.

***

I hate goodbyes. The end is not at all a “new beginning”. People are so wrong here. Sometimes the end is just the end. That’s it. And nothing after. Balthazar claps on my back and points to the Gates.

\- So we are finally here. Now go. Safe road, good luck in future so on and so forth.

I linger, then turn around and hug Balthazar with all of my strength.

He sighs and rubs my back for a while. Dean stays near and surprisingly keeps silence. Last days he’s not like himself at all. Maybe hunter thinks about his own brother, maybe he just sympathizes, because he knows what is like to lose your brother.

After some time I step away from Balthazar. It’s not like we could stay like that forever anyway.

\- Cas, take this, - Balthazar takes off his necklace and puts it around my neck.

\- But what about…

\- Keep it. I’d be glad if you have it. 

I nod, and then come closer to the Gates.

\- You…okay? – Dean asks unsure.

For a second I want to say something like “don’t ask stupid questions”, but change my mind and just shrug my shoulders.

\- Of course, not.

Then I open the Gates and we go through them with Dean. Last glance. One last glance back, one thing I could never forget. The face of my brother, his eyes. They were empty. No emotions, nothing. And it hit me even more then if I saw pain and sorrow in them.


	7. Epilogue (one and a half year later)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> here you go, some Christmas fluff =)

A lot of things have happened since Dean and I came back from Purgatory to the world of living again. Many mistakes were made, what led us to this. The great angelic fall… And once again it was my entire fault. Now I’m… powerless… human. At first it was hard, now it’s bearable. I have a job as a low assistant at the shop near the gas station. I’ve even tried to date several women, because it’s what people usually do, right? Dean sometimes comes to visit me. I’m having an average life of ordinary man. But there are still things I miss much. And it’s not only my power, but also… company. Of people who knows me, understands, people I don’t need to pretend to.

And it’s much more harsh that I know such a person…angel exists. Who also wants to be with me deeply, but doesn’t know how.

It’s the end of my shift. I sigh and begin to clean the counter, before putting my coat on. The weather forecast said it’s going to snow. Also today is Christmas Eve. I say goodbye to my colleague and go out to the street. It’s almost midnight. But it’s not really a big problem for me as I don’t have anyone to spend the holiday with. I walk along the street. People are rushing around. I sit at the bench. I don’t really want to go anywhere. It’s cold at my place, also TV broke last night.

Soft Christmas melodies are playing somewhere near. I even begin to hum to them. First flakes of snow touch my nose. Today I forgot to wear my scarf. Lately I begin to really like it. It’s dark blue (my favorite color to be honest) and very warm. 

Also I still haven’t bought myself a hat. So now I begin to feel myself a little cold, because of snowflakes that begin to melt and run down my coat-collar.

The clock is striking twelve. Merry Christmas and all. Joy of presents and fulfilled wishes… I sigh again and begin to blow at my frozen palms.

\- Hey, you’ve almost turned into a snowman by now. – I feel soft touch of warm material, see arms, gently tying scarf around neck and shaking snow off my hair.

I throw back my head and…

\- Hey, - Balthazar says smirking.

\- But you were… I thought you… And now… 

He chuckles.

\- Consider it a Christmas miracle.

Balthazar leans closer, touches my lips with his own and whispers:

\- Merry Christmas, Cas.

Then he straightens up and offers me a hand. He also isn’t dressed according to the weather much. Bright jeans with decorative holes at his knees and black jacket.

– Come on, it’s freezing here. Rise to your feet and let’s go home.

\- Home?

\- Yeah. I hope you don’t mind some mulled wine and turkey? It’s mostly all I have in my fridge.

I carefully and at the same time desperately take his hand in mine and stand up.

Then Balthazar begins to pull me by the hand, he leads me through almost empty now side streets. Far away someone begins to launch fireworks, some noisy groups begin to belt out songs. 

I look at Balthazar’s back with insurance.

\- Cas, stop, please. It’s a little bit annoying.

\- But how did you..?

He stops and turns to me. 

\- Well, you know, I’ve never really been a righteous guy, who follows the rules. And also… it’s kind of boring there.

\- Balthazar!

He laughs.

\- Just joking, Cas. Well… I know it’s still a little bit uneasy topic for you, but after your recent doings…and angel’s fall there were noone anymore to keep me there, to control me. So… here I am. Anyway forget about it. I’m here, you can enjoy my irresistible self, so why bother? It’s Christmas. Let’s have some fun.

I smile. My brother once again begins to lead me to the place I presume he lives. My palm feel hot in his hand. Balthazar’s here, next to me, he’s real. It still feels kind of surreal for me but really good, so so good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ^_^ hope you liked it. Even if my English is sometimes really pathetic =) And I really appreciate that some of you guys read it till the end. You're awesome ^^


End file.
